Friday, September 13, 2013
Rock Bottom & Recovery
I know that some of you are probably tired of hearing about this from me but some days, like today, I just sit back and think and I can not believe that I have come as far as I have. Today is just a typical Friday evening for me. I'm sitting in my room with the window open enjoying the nice fall like weather that our area is getting today. Today is just a Friday but today is also my 127th day free from my addiction to Opiates and Heroin.
Last year at this time if you would have asked me if I thought that it was possible that I'd ever feel normal again without Opiates I would have laughed at you and dodged the question. Truth is, I didn't even know that I wasn't feeling normal. What started out as a prescription for a bad tooth that was causing me a tremendous amount of pain led to an addiction so bad that my brain had fooled me into believing that feeling the way I was feeling was normal and that without dope it would only be worse forever. My brain is the brain of an addict. Yes, I do believe that addiction is a brain disease and most doctors, researchers, psychologists, therapists, drug councelors, scientists, and The World Health Orginazation happen to agree with me. This doesn't mean that I don't take any responsibility for my actions during my time of abusing Opiates. Believing that addiction is a disease does not make me blameless. I chose to take that first Vicodin. The difference between an addict brain and a normal brain is that the normal brain could take that first Vicodin and then stop while the addict brain is just unable to put it down because there's that predisposition...there is the need that's already there and waiting in the background, hidden. By the time I realized that I had a problem my brain was already telling me that there was really not a problem and that everything could only be solved with another dose. And another dose. And another dose. And nothing else matters. People you love and care about are just pieces that you can use to help you get another fix. Friends you care about no longer matter unless they're able to help you get high. Before you know it, your entire world revolves around the clock of you getting high. You worry about staying high above all else. You fear the physical withdrawals that you've felt before when your supply has ran dry and you couldn't get your fix in time. You see that your life is basically falling to pieces around you...you're losing everything...possessions..people you care about...friends...family...money...jobs...you're losing everything but your brain will NOT allow you to believe that it's a direct result of the drugs you're addicted to. Your brain wants you to believe that the drugs are the only thing keeping it all together and making it bearable. Your brain wants you to believe that everything is fine and that its everyone else's problem, not yours. Your brain is the brain of addict and you don't even know it. You don't care. Fuck it. Fuck everyone anyways. Everyone's against you. Everything is against you. Your life sucks and you want out...
And then you either do or you don't. You either continue living that way in that clouded, opiated, matrix of comfortable lies or you come to the understanding that no matter what, doing something radically different with your life can not possibly make things any worse. That's the 'Rock Bottom' that everyone in recovery is always harping about. Rock Bottom is when you realize that your life sucks so horribly bad that no matter what changes you decide to take upon yourself that it can't possibly make things any worse because you're already spread out all over the bottom and it just doesn't go down any lower. Rock Bottom is a real place that I believe all addicts have to eventually visit. The directions to Rock Bottom may vary from person to person but you'll all eventually find it and when you do please keep in mind that some never leave Rock Bottom. For some it's their last stop...but for others it's their springboard to bigger and better things. Rock Bottom isn't an easy place to leave behind but it not a closed prison either and it can be beaten.
One hundred and twenty seven days, twenty hours, and thirty minutes ago I visited Rock Bottom. I stayed for awhile. Tried to leave a few times and almost made it all the way out only to stumble and fall right back down again. Today is Friday the 13th of September, 2013 and its been one hundred and twenty seven days since I've last visited the lower depths of Rock Bottom. I'm not one hundred percent where I want to be in my life right now. I'm still struggling to find honest employment so that I will be able to provide for myself and for my family like I feel a man should. I'm still struggling to remain positive in a world that seems to be intent on dragging everyone down. I've lost a lot of friends but I've also gained a few new ones. I've gained a lot of faith and trust and respect back from my family and even from myself. I'm spending more time with my daughter and watching her grow up into a little lady and I'm feeling real feelings now...nothing chemically induced. I have a wonderful wife who loves me and who stuck by my side supporting me along the way all the while going through struggles of her own all by herself. I didn't overdose and lose my life. I didn't accidentally hurt anyone else. I didn't get arrested and go to prison. I made it out.
I made it out and now I have a story to share. I've said a lot here but this isn't even the half of it. I'm currently working on putting a book together. I'm not trying to make millions (although it'd be nice) but really if these words here or this book I'm working on help or motivate even one single person who is still struggling with addiction like I was then it worth every minute of my time a hundred fold. I'm no superman..,I'm an addict who didn't think he had the willpower to get better. I'm just like everyone one else we just have different stories and different reasons. So for those of you who are tired of hearing about all of this, and to those who think I'm gloating or being over dramatic or whatever... Count it as a blessing that you've never walked down this particular path that I have. Those of you who are proud of me and like hearing about it..thank you. And finally, to those of you out there who are still struggling and fighting the demons on your backs...it CAN get better. Follow me, I'll show you the way.