Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Update 11-13

Thursday, November 14, 2013 started out to go down in the history books as being 'just another day' for me. I was not really doing anything out of the ordinary. As usual, I was doing quite a bit of thinking and soul searching and I decided to talk to some of my religious friends on Reddit's /r/Christianity. I needed advice and I needed opinions and hopefully answers. I'm writing this now to tell you what those answers were. 

My life hasn't ever been what I'd consider 'easy'. From a young age I had trouble controlling my temper and I had issues with anger and depression. This was nothing to do with how I was raised it was due to me actually having a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes issues like I had. Medication and therapist after therapist didn't work so it eventually led to me getting arrested and involved in the juvenile court system. Once a kid is in the system, it's next to impossible to get out. I wound up in and out of JDC (juvenile detention centers), group homes, and eventually a trip to ODYS (Ohio Department Of Youth Services). My time in DYS was not pleasant. I was abused physically by the guards, case workers, and corrections officers who were supposed to be there to protect us. I was constantly fighting with other inmates in fights that the guards would egg on. All of this happend in a place that was then called Indian River Juvenile Correctional Facility in Marion, Ohio. 

After turning 18 and finally getting out of the juvenile system I quickly went down the wrong path once again. I got involved with people that I shouldn't have and those people helped me get high for the first time in my life by smoking a pipe of Marijuana with me. All I learned from my time in ODYS was how to be a better criminal and how to be a cooler person by using and selling drugs. Fast forward a year later and I'm not smoking weed anymore,  I'm selling Cocaine, but I'm addicted to it as well. Freebase, crack, rocks, money nineteen years old that was my life. I never got rich because I used my own product so I literally smoked up all my profits. In a cracked out frenzy I made yet another bad decision and wound up in adult prison for my first time. 

Eleven months later I'm back out and on adult probation checking in once a week. Cocaine only stays in your system for 3-4 days. It took me less than a week before I was back to using crack cocaine again. Of course I eventually got caught and got sent back to prison and spent the rest of the time I had over my head (17 months) on the inside...once again. 

While I was in prison I started going to church and I found God. I was saved. I went to all the church functions I could get to, I read and studied the bible daily, I completed over twenty different courses of mail in bible studies and got all sorts of certificates and things for passing. I was one with God and God was on my side. I felt great. Then one morning I received a phone call informing me that my fiancĂ© had just been killed the previous night in a car accident. I was only weeks away from release at this time and we had plans...all gone. I cursed God and threw every bible and every certificate in the trash. God, Christians, and Christianity became my enemies. 

In time God became nothing more than an old fairy tale. I was an Atheist and I was damn sure about everything I believed and could, would,and frequently did argue and debate with the best of them. 

Time goes on...

I have a wife and a daughter but now I've found a new drug that my dentist gave me for a toothache. Vicodin. This wonder drug is not only taking my pain away but it's taking my depression and anxiety away too! This is perfect. 

Time goes on...

I'm addicted to Heroin. The pain pills ran out. Started buying them on the street from friends and family. It was too expensive and doctors were in control. Heroin was cheap and all it took was a phone call to my dealer and a drive to Dayton, Ohio. I can't run out because if I run out I get so fucking sick and when I get that sick it's not good for anyone. I'd rather kill myself than have to go through withdrawal and anyways I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM! YOU are the problem, not ME. It's all of YOU! 

Time goes on...

May 9, 2013 ...I decide to get clean. After a hundred trials and errors I decide to just batten down and do it cold turkey. 

November 14, 2013 ...  I see a pattern here. I see that everything in my life has happened for a reason. Almost as if it was designed. Today I ask God to forgive me and I ask Jesus to come back into my heart and to make me whole again and make me a better person. 

November 20, 2013 is today's date and I am 195 days free and clean of Opiates and Heroin. I've been saved for six days and I can actually FEEL God working in my life. I know I'm not alone and I know what God wants me to do...I know why he had me go through all those horrible things that I went was all about making me stronger, making my faith harder to break, and giving me one AWESOME testimony and understanding of people. I'm working on fixing broken bridges still. During my addiction there were a lot of people I hurt and disrespected and some for no reason at all. Some of the bridges, I'm glad they are burnt. Those are the dealers and the "friends" who weren't really friends at all, some I even grew up with and had been friends with for many years and are now gone but I've gained so much more. I've gained a lot of new friends, new trust, new relationships and new hope.  Without God I don't think that any of this would have been possible.  Those who have forgiven me are many and those who have not no longer matter. 

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

A poem from my brother Joe Murphy

Back when I was in the midst of my heroin addiction my brother sent me this on Facebook. At the time when I read it, it pissed me off. Now I can look back and realize that it only pissed me off because it was the truth. Every word of it. I was mad when I first read it but I teared up a little but too and that's was real emotion in verse. I hurt a lot of people throughout my addiction to opiates and heroin, including members of my own family. Including my brother Joe, who sent me this. All I can do now is say that I am sorry and that I am thankful at the same time because I am no longer that person and the experience has, if nothing else, shown me what truly matters in life. I'm thankful that I'm still here and that I still have friends and family who care and who will always be there. Anyways, here's his poem/rap/verses.. Much love and much respect to my little brother. 

Why won't you wake up, realize you fucked up, fix your mistakes and build yourself from the ground up.

You've been goin' down the wrong path, stabbin' your own family in the back, just to get a fix, well that's bullshit.

Cause' you have a family of your own, a wife and a daughter, learnin' bad habits that you have shown.

The more she grows, the more I fear, because she won't know what to do or where to go cause' of half the shit she hears.

We gave you chances, we got you help, you didn't take it so anger we felt. We try and try, we cry and cry, if you keep your bad habits you could potentially die.

I know you feel lost, like you've been double crossed, but I promise, you will be found, Just listen to the sound,

Look at your surroundings and the boundaries that your tied to, try to take a step and you'll trip dude.

I miss you bro, summers spent swimmin', jumpin' in the water, sunlight glistenin'.

Barbaque'n in the heat, cookin' us some good ass meat, just to eat, tastes that almost couldn't be beat.

I know your strugglin', I know shits tough, but you can get through it cause' I know inside you've had enough.

It must feel like your in cuffs, tied to an addiction, that you wish was just made up fiction, but listen,

Pick your self up off that bed, look in the mirror and into your head.

Look into that noggin' and find who you are, don't give up because you've gotten so far.

Think about your future, think about Maddie's too, forget about the past and the shit stuck in your head like glue.

Remember the day she was born, you looked into her eyes and you saw her grow and slowly take form, before your own eyes

It's four years later, that little angels growin' up thinkin' you fuckin' hate her.

I don't know whats on your mind, but please realize that its time, to stand up, man up, love your little girl, be her god damn world,

Protect her from guys like you, and all the bad things that you do.

All the negativity is going to destroy her potential, to live a life that's actually beneficial.

The world might have crumbled down on you, but you can build it back up, yeah just you.

All you need is an able body and a strong mind, pick up a thousand pieces and you'll do that shit in no time.

Then be a king, and Maddie can be your princess, Kalena can be your queen.

I've chosen to speak out, because I'm tired of thinking about, you hurting Mom, you hurting Grandma, cause' someday they'll both be gone.

You'll have nothing, besides an empty gut feeling, and you'll feel like someones stealing every last bit of your lifes meaning.

Heres a second chance, from me to you, pull up them pants and put a belt on, raise your daughter right cause' before you know it she'll be gone,

Llove your wife, and make her feel special, cause' in this world you only have one life.

Easily ended with the blade of a knife, but you can forget that shit and take that knife, sharpen it twice, and stab the Fuck out of anyone who tinkers with your life.

The future is constant, so get the right Mindset, and get your shit together before the sun sets.

Deep down man we all love you, look inside and your heart will show you, a road to victory, a path to success, a new beginning cause' this ones was just a test.

Take a deep breathe, and lie your soul to rest, clean up yourself, your a damn mess, see the sun shining, yeah, its for you.

See the blue sky, do you wonder why its not cloudy, cause' we want you to see clearly, because your nearly dead, sounds messed up, but the truth is the truth and enough is enough.

Follow the light, burning so bright, enhance your life and make things right.

No matter how long it takes, we'll be here for you, your family, we love you, Johnny Murphy Jr.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Rock Bottom & Recovery

I know that some of you are probably tired of hearing about this from me but some days, like today, I just sit back and think and I can not believe that I have come as far as I have. Today is just a typical Friday evening for me. I'm sitting in my room with the window open enjoying the nice fall like weather that our area is getting today. Today is just a Friday but today is also my 127th  day free from my addiction to Opiates and Heroin. 

Last year at this time if you would have asked me if I thought that it was possible that I'd ever feel normal again without Opiates I would have laughed at you and dodged the question. Truth is, I didn't even know that I wasn't feeling normal. What started out as a prescription for a bad tooth that was causing me a tremendous amount of pain led to an addiction so bad that my brain had fooled me into believing that feeling the way I was feeling was normal and that without dope it would only be worse forever. My brain is the brain of an addict. Yes, I do believe that addiction is a brain disease and most doctors, researchers, psychologists, therapists, drug councelors, scientists, and The World Health Orginazation happen to agree with me. This doesn't mean that I don't take any responsibility for my actions during my time of abusing Opiates. Believing that addiction is a disease does not make me blameless. I chose to take that first Vicodin. The difference between an addict brain and a normal brain is that the normal brain could take that first Vicodin and then stop while the addict brain is just unable to put it down because there's that predisposition...there is the need that's already there and waiting in the background, hidden.  By the time I realized that I had a problem my brain was already telling me that there was really not a problem and that everything could only be solved with another dose. And another dose. And another dose. And nothing else matters. People you love and care about are just pieces that you can use to help you get another fix. Friends you care about no longer matter unless they're able to help you get high. Before you know it, your entire world revolves around the clock of you getting high. You worry about staying high above all else. You fear the physical withdrawals that you've felt before when your supply has ran dry and you couldn't get your fix in time. You see that your life is basically falling to pieces around're losing everything...possessions..people you care're losing everything but your brain will NOT allow you to believe that it's a direct result of the drugs you're addicted to. Your brain wants you to believe that the drugs are the only thing keeping it all together and making it bearable. Your brain wants you to believe that everything is fine and that its everyone else's problem, not yours. Your brain is the brain of addict and you don't even know it. You don't care. Fuck it. Fuck everyone anyways. Everyone's against you. Everything is against you. Your life sucks and you want out...

And then you either do or you don't. You either continue living that way in that clouded, opiated, matrix of comfortable lies or you come to the understanding that no matter what, doing something radically different with your life can not possibly make things any worse. That's the 'Rock Bottom' that everyone in recovery is always harping about. Rock Bottom is when you realize that your life sucks so horribly bad that no matter what changes you decide to take upon yourself that it can't possibly make things any worse because you're already spread out all over the bottom and it just doesn't go down any lower. Rock Bottom is a real place that I believe all addicts have to eventually visit. The directions to Rock Bottom may vary from person to person but you'll all eventually find it and when you do please keep in mind that some never leave Rock Bottom. For some it's their last stop...but for others it's their springboard to bigger and better things. Rock Bottom isn't an easy place to leave behind but it not a closed prison either and it can be beaten. 

One hundred and twenty seven days, twenty hours, and thirty minutes ago I visited Rock Bottom. I stayed for awhile. Tried to leave a few times and almost made it all the way out only to stumble and fall right back down again. Today is Friday the 13th of September, 2013 and its been one hundred and twenty seven days since I've last visited the lower depths of Rock Bottom. I'm not one hundred percent where I want to be in my life right now. I'm still struggling to find honest employment so that I will be able to provide for myself and for my family like I feel a man should. I'm still struggling to remain positive in a world that seems to be intent on dragging everyone down. I've lost a lot of friends but I've also gained a few new ones. I've gained a lot of faith and trust and respect back from my family and even from myself. I'm spending more time with my daughter and watching her grow up into a little lady and I'm feeling real feelings now...nothing chemically induced. I have a wonderful wife who loves me and who stuck by my side supporting me along the way all the while going through struggles of her own all by herself. I didn't overdose and lose my life.  I didn't accidentally hurt anyone else. I didn't get arrested and go to prison. I made it out. 

I made it out and now I have a story to share. I've said a lot here but this isn't even the half of it. I'm currently working on putting a book together. I'm not trying to make millions (although it'd be nice) but really if these words here or this book I'm working on help or motivate even one single person who is still struggling with addiction like I was then it worth every minute of my time a hundred fold. I'm no superman..,I'm an addict who didn't think he had the willpower to get better. I'm just like everyone one else we just have different stories and different reasons. So for those of you who are tired of hearing about all of this, and to those who think I'm gloating or being over dramatic or whatever... Count it as a blessing that you've never walked down this particular path that I have. Those of you who are proud of me and like hearing about it..thank you. And finally, to those of you out there who are still struggling and fighting the demons on your CAN get better. Follow me, I'll show you the way.