Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013 started out to go down in the history books as being 'just another day' for me. I was not really doing anything out of the ordinary. As usual, I was doing quite a bit of thinking and soul searching and I decided to talk to some of my religious friends on Reddit's /r/Christianity. I needed advice and I needed opinions and hopefully answers. I'm writing this now to tell you what those answers were.
My life hasn't ever been what I'd consider 'easy'. From a young age I had trouble controlling my temper and I had issues with anger and depression. This was nothing to do with how I was raised it was due to me actually having a chemical imbalance in my brain that causes issues like I had. Medication and therapist after therapist didn't work so it eventually led to me getting arrested and involved in the juvenile court system. Once a kid is in the system, it's next to impossible to get out. I wound up in and out of JDC (juvenile detention centers), group homes, and eventually a trip to ODYS (Ohio Department Of Youth Services). My time in DYS was not pleasant. I was abused physically by the guards, case workers, and corrections officers who were supposed to be there to protect us. I was constantly fighting with other inmates in fights that the guards would egg on. All of this happend in a place that was then called Indian River Juvenile Correctional Facility in Marion, Ohio.
After turning 18 and finally getting out of the juvenile system I quickly went down the wrong path once again. I got involved with people that I shouldn't have and those people helped me get high for the first time in my life by smoking a pipe of Marijuana with me. All I learned from my time in ODYS was how to be a better criminal and how to be a cooler person by using and selling drugs. Fast forward a year later and I'm not smoking weed anymore, I'm selling Cocaine, but I'm addicted to it as well. Freebase, crack, rocks, money ...at nineteen years old that was my life. I never got rich because I used my own product so I literally smoked up all my profits. In a cracked out frenzy I made yet another bad decision and wound up in adult prison for my first time.
Eleven months later I'm back out and on adult probation checking in once a week. Cocaine only stays in your system for 3-4 days. It took me less than a week before I was back to using crack cocaine again. Of course I eventually got caught and got sent back to prison and spent the rest of the time I had over my head (17 months) on the inside...once again.
While I was in prison I started going to church and I found God. I was saved. I went to all the church functions I could get to, I read and studied the bible daily, I completed over twenty different courses of mail in bible studies and got all sorts of certificates and things for passing. I was one with God and God was on my side. I felt great. Then one morning I received a phone call informing me that my fiancé had just been killed the previous night in a car accident. I was only weeks away from release at this time and we had plans...all gone. I cursed God and threw every bible and every certificate in the trash. God, Christians, and Christianity became my enemies.
In time God became nothing more than an old fairy tale. I was an Atheist and I was damn sure about everything I believed and could, would,and frequently did argue and debate with the best of them.
Time goes on...
I have a wife and a daughter but now I've found a new drug that my dentist gave me for a toothache. Vicodin. This wonder drug is not only taking my pain away but it's taking my depression and anxiety away too! This is perfect.
Time goes on...
I'm addicted to Heroin. The pain pills ran out. Started buying them on the street from friends and family. It was too expensive and doctors were in control. Heroin was cheap and all it took was a phone call to my dealer and a drive to Dayton, Ohio. I can't run out because if I run out I get so fucking sick and when I get that sick it's not good for anyone. I'd rather kill myself than have to go through withdrawal and anyways I DON'T EVEN HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM! YOU are the problem, not ME. It's all of YOU!
Time goes on...
May 9, 2013 ...I decide to get clean. After a hundred trials and errors I decide to just batten down and do it cold turkey.
November 14, 2013 ... I see a pattern here. I see that everything in my life has happened for a reason. Almost as if it was designed. Today I ask God to forgive me and I ask Jesus to come back into my heart and to make me whole again and make me a better person.
November 20, 2013 is today's date and I am 195 days free and clean of Opiates and Heroin. I've been saved for six days and I can actually FEEL God working in my life. I know I'm not alone and I know what God wants me to do...I know why he had me go through all those horrible things that I went through...it was all about making me stronger, making my faith harder to break, and giving me one AWESOME testimony and understanding of people. I'm working on fixing broken bridges still. During my addiction there were a lot of people I hurt and disrespected and some for no reason at all. Some of the bridges, I'm glad they are burnt. Those are the dealers and the "friends" who weren't really friends at all, some I even grew up with and had been friends with for many years and are now gone but I've gained so much more. I've gained a lot of new friends, new trust, new relationships and new hope. Without God I don't think that any of this would have been possible. Those who have forgiven me are many and those who have not no longer matter.