Tuesday, June 28, 2011


    Why do those three little letters have more meaning to me than to most people I know? Seriously? This is an honest question I'm asking. Are some people born to just constantly feel fucked in every imaginable way? Does everybody have more bad day's than good days? Is that normal? And no matter the answer ... my last question is why?

     I seem to ask why a lot. I'm always wondering what life is all about. What is the purpose of being? What does the future hold for me? And usually I'm stuck in limbo never able to come to any real definitive answer even though I feel the need to figure something out with every inch of me. I need to know that I'm here for something. Long ago I stopped believing in the old homage "everything will get better in time". No, it won't. It might for some people but not for me. My luck has always been shit to begin with. I often tell people that if it were raining pussies I'd get hit with a dick. Funny right? But there is more truth and resentment in that statement that anyone really knows. 

     I play the joker a lot. I like to make people laugh. Hell, I like to laugh myself. It's been too long since I've had a good hearty belly laugh where you're hunching over, barely able to breath, with tears running down your face because as hard as you try ... you're unable to stop laughing. Those use to feel good but it's been so long that I'm starting to fear that I've lost the ability to do so. This funny/fun loving me is just a mask. Behind my mask is the normal fears and worries and mix of emotions of almost every normal person in the world. But I carry something else behind my mask. I carry an utter lack of caring. I no longer care what happens to me health wise, friendship/relationship wise, or really anything wise. I laugh and joke but inside I feel like crap and everyday I spend waiting to go to bed and drift off to sleep because when I'm asleep is the only time I can be at peace. Maybe not quite at peace, but oblivious to what's really going on without the help of drugs. 

     I've given up on just about everything and everyone and I think everyone has pretty much given up on me as well. I need a break. I need to get away from everyone for awhile and just be with myself. Even if only for a week. I need to do some inner soul searching and figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I'm only getting older and my dreams of being an author or some other form of writer are slowly diminishing. I'm starting to feel like it's now or never and although I don't want it to be never I'm stuck in my current position unable to move. I might as well be in a coma. 

     I have my daughter and for her I try but often times I wonder if she'd be better off without me. I just feel so worthless and hopeless that it's driving me insane. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being fake but I also don't want to spend the rest of my life as a shell of a man with no emotions. My marriage isn't working half the time and neither me nor my wife seems to want to do anything about it enough to actually try something different. Everything is going stale and the fighting is getting to be too much to handle and way to frequent. For 26 years everything I have touched has turned to shit. Why did I expect any different? 

     I don't know why I chose to write this blog. I guess it's just part of me being real with all of my readers. I pride myself on always being honest and telling it like it is about everyone else...never sugar coating anything yet here I was not being honest about myself. Plus I just needed to get this shit off my chest somehow and it's worked because I feel better for the time being. 

Until next time ...

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